The Wrestling Bard 07.04.09: It’s Not WHAT The Wind Is Blowing, It’s THAT The Wind Is Blowing

Skip this paragraph. This is the paragraph I put in the article so that the Youtube video isn’t competing with our ads for your attention. There is nothing important here. I promise. Are you still reading? Scroll down and watch the video! SERIOUSLY! If you’re still reading this, you are wasting your time. I mean it. There is NO payoff to this gag, other than actually watching the video. Hmm….maybe there should be a payoff to this? I know, I’ll take a note of how many lines need to be in the paragraph to make it the right length. Yep, that’s what I’ll do. But this paragraph is a COMPLETE waste of your time.

Hey, be glad I waste time trying to make sure that the YouTube video is neatly aligned. I’ve added like twelve lines trying to make this work.

I figured I might as well take advantage of the date of this article and skip the Japanese stuff for a week. Frankly, I think everyone needs a balanced wrestling diet. That includes foreign and indy wrestling, but it doesn’t mean you have to skimp on the classics from WWE. Contrary to what most people think, the majority of wrestling is average at worst and amazing at best. There is rarely a particular company/style/brand/whatever that is better than anything else in wrestling, and everything has its ups and downs. Looking at my “uber-critical” ratings (read: the ratings I put in the reviews. Taker-Shawn is REALLY ****1/2, but my personal enjoyment is *****) of this year, every company I watch has had at least one ****1/4 or better match. That includes TNA (Shelly vs. Sabin). They’ve also all had quite a few clunkers.

I think “match quality” is really hard to explain to someone, at least definitively. A large part of that is that every person has different tastes. One guy might want matches to look “real”, while others revel in the fact that wrestling “isn’t” real and want matches to be less snug. Some people might give a match an extra star if there’s a ton of blood, while those who are more queasy might think the match is worse off for it. Some of that comes down to taste, but there is ONE thing that almost every reviewer does that I think is complete B.S. and leads to a LOT of great matches being shortchanged.

Matches with more dangerous, more innovative, less clichéd MOVES are rated higher than matches with simpler, safer, and tried-and-true moves. This becomes even more obvious when comparing two matches that have similar “structure”, but use different moves to build the match. To illustrate this point, let me give you a break down of a recent match that was much maligned by the IWC, but that I personally thought was well-plotted and well-executed, and told a very good story.

The Avenging Babyface vs. The Evil Heel
1. The two old rivals glare at each other intensely.
2. Babyface attacks early, breaking the rules to inflict more damage.
3. Heel gets desperate and hits his second-most dangerous finisher. Hoping to end the match quickly, he attempts his most powerful finisher, but the Babyface counters and connects with his most powerful finisher instead.
4. After taking these brutal moves, the two men slowly get their bearings back.
5. Babyface continues the beatdown, and Heel begs off.
6. Babyface does NOT back off, and instead inflicts more damage in a much more malicious manner than usual.
7. Heel throws Babyface outside of the ring to get some space and get control.
8. Heel dominates Babyface, even doing the same moves Babyface did to Heel as a receipt.
9. Heel goes for a signature hold, but Babyface quickly counters it. Heel hits a high-impact move and goes back to his signature hold.
10. Babyface survives hold, makes his comeback.
11. Babyface goes for his finish, but Heel sees it coming this time and counters it.
12. Each man hits a powerful but not finishing move for a nearfall. Each man gets desperate and goes up top, but that doesn’t go well for them, as the other one counters.
13. Heel gets advantage and goes for his most powerful finisher, Babyface counters again.
14. The two men brawl outside. Babyface looks to do something illegal but thinks better of it. His hesitation allows the Heel to hit a devastating move on the floor.
15. Heel tries to win by count-out, Babyface makes it in the ring. Heel gets pissed and beats the Babyface down.
16. Referee takes a bump and Heel hits his second-tier finisher, but can’t win.
17. Heel tries to take advantage and gets a weapon, but the Babyface hits the Heel’s Uber-finisher as a receipt.
18. Babyface hits Heel with the weapon as a comeuppance, and gets rid of the evidence.
19. Not satisfied, the Babyface pummels the Heel to punish him.
20. Babyface hits his most devastating move to win the match.

Okay, that might seem a little tedious, but when you are looking to script an EPIC main event between two heated rivals, it will look something like that. The formula is tried and true. Now, just for the Hell of it, let’s use this script and fill in the blanks with Mitsuharu Misawa (babyface) and Toshiaki Kawada (heel), circa 1994.

Mitsuharu Misawa vs. Toshiaki Kawada
1. The two old rivals glare at each other intensely.
2. Misawa attacks early with elbows, even when Kawada seeks refuge in the ropes.
3. Kawada gets desperate and quickly hits a gamengiri. Hoping to end the match quickly, he attempts his prawn hold powerbomb, but Misawa counters and hits the Tiger Driver instead.
4. After taking these brutal moves, the two men slowly get their bearings back.
5. Misawa continues the beatdown, and Kawada begs off.
6. Misawa does NOT back off, and cruelly attacks Kawada’s bad leg.
7. Kawada throws Misawa outside of the ring to get some space and get control.
8. Kawada dominates Misawa, going after the leg as a receipt.
9. Kawada tries the stretch plum, but Misawa quickly counters it with a backdrop suplex. Kawada hits a gamengiri and goes back to the stretch plum.
10. Misawa survives the Stretch Plum, hits Kawada with several signature moves.
11. Misawa goes for the Tiger Driver, but Kawada sees it coming this time and counters it.
12. Misawa hits a Tiger Suplex for a nearfall, Kawada hits a German Suplex for a nearfall. Kawada goes up top but Misawa kicks him on the way down, Misawa goes up top and Kawada kicks him on the way down.
13. Kawada gets the advantage and goes for the powerbomb, Misawa counters again.
14. The two men brawl outside. Misawa looks to use a chair but thinks better of it. His hesitation allows the Kawada to hit a backdrop suplex on the floor.
15. Misawa tries to win by count-out, but Misawa BARELY makes it in the ring. Kawada gets pissed and kicks the ever loving crap out of Misawa.
16. Referee takes a lariat from Misawa and Kawada hits a gamengiri, but can’t win due to the ref being knocked off..
17. Kawada tries to take advantage and gets a chair, but Misawa hits Kawada’s powerbomb before he can use it.
18. Misawa hits Kawada with the chair and gets rid of the evidence.
19. Not satisfied, Misawa pummels the Kawada with elbow after elbow to punish him.
20. Misawa hits his the Tiger Driver to win the match.

Now, sans weapon use, I’m sure Misawa and Kawada have used a pretty similar formula for some of their matches. Hell, I’m positive. Hitting devastating moves early, trading signature non-finishers in the middle, brutal moves on the floor followed by getting into the ring JUST before the last count, countering signature moves, trying to cripple the hated rival, surviving signature holds, and vicious, brutal strikes are all trademarks of the style these men used. And I think that more than a handful of people would pay good money to see that match.

Of course, if you haven’t figured it out, here’s the ACTUAL events of the match that I used this formula from.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton
1. The two old rivals glare at each other intensely.
2. Triple H attacks early with illegal closed fists to inflict more damage.
3. Orton gets desperate and hits the RKO. Hoping to end the match quickly, he attempts The Punt, but Triple H counters and hits the Pedigree instead.
4. After taking these brutal moves, the two men slowly get their bearings back.
5. Triple H continues the beatdown, and Orton begs off.
6. Triple H does NOT back off and kicks Orton Sparta-style, and drops a series of vicious knees on Orton’s neck.
7. Orton throws Triple H outside of the ring to get some space and get control.
8. Orton dominates Triple, even hitting the Sparta kick and Knee Drop to neck as a receipt.
9. Orton goes for his chinlock, but Triple H quickly counters it with a back suplex (on the neck). Orton quickly hits a snap powerslam and goes back to the chinlock.
10. Triple H survives, hits the knee to the face and chinbreaker.
11. Triple H goes for the Pedigree but Orton sees it coming this time and counters it.
12. Triple H hits a spinebuster and Orton hits his modified backbreaker for a nearfall. Each man gets desperate and goes up top, but Orton eats Triple H’s boot and Triple H eats a dropkick.
13. Orton gets advantage and goes for The Punt, Triple H counters again.
14. The two men brawl outside. Triple H looks to use a monitor but thinks better of it. His hesitation allows the Orton to backdrop him on the table and DDT him on the floor.
15. Orton tries to win by count-out, Triple H barely makes it in the ring. Orton gets pissed and stomps Triple H repeatedly.
16. Referee takes a bump and Orton hits the RKO, but can’t win.
17. Orton tries to take advantage and gets a sledgehammer, but Triple H hits the Punt as a receipt.
18. Triple H hits Orton with the weapon as a comeuppance, and gets rid of the evidence.
19. Not satisfied, Triple H pummels Orton with right hands to punish him.
20. Triple H hits the Pedigree to win the match.

It seems that the highest rating among my peers here at 411 was ***. They complained about it being slow, predictable, and boring. But I bet you one-hundred dollars that if Misawa and Kawada had done the match I wrote out above, at the same pace but just with their moves, the match would probably get at least ****. I know. I’ve seen it happen. So apparently, because Misawa and Kawada use kicks and elbows instead of stomps and punches, use powerbombs and tiger drivers instead of Pedigrees and RKOs, and stretch plums and sentons instead of chinlocks and knee drops, their match is automatically better. The story can be the same, the pacing be the same, the structure the same, and the meaning of the moves the same, but because one set of wrestlers uses more dangerous, more innovative, and “cooler” moves than the other pair, their match is better.

That’s plain and simply, BS in my opinion.

I’m not trying to champion Orton-Triple H as a modern classic or anything. It wasn’t the match I wanted and a few things were awkward. But claims of “They did NOTHING to get the crowd into it” is ridiculous. How often do wrestlers use their top moves two minutes into a match? That should have woken up the crowd. And people complaining that the match was “slow” are the same people that would have complained if the wrestled at a fast pace, because the wrestlers SHOULD be slower after taking those devastating moves. Simple, believable and completely consistent with the story they were telling. So what if the crowd sat on their hands? All you have to do is look at how much money Revenge of the Fallen is making to see that the majority of the American populace doesn’t care about intelligence and storytelling. They just want explosions. Which is exactly what Misawa and Kawada matches are half the time. It’s not like Misawa and Kawada are better storytellers than Triple H or Randy Orton. They just have cooler looking special effects to tell their story.

J.D. Dunn once described the Ric Flair-Ricky Steamboat series to Lego ® blocks. All the matches have the same pieces, but they are put together differently so that each match is a different creation. Frankly, I think a lot of people spend too much time focusing on the blocks and not enough time on the building. They only care about WHAT the wrestlers are doing, and don’t really think or care about WHY they are doing what they are doing. Frankly, anybody can suplex someone and drop them on their head, and a lot of people can do a 630 senton if they put their minds to it. But it takes someone with intelligence to take those moves and make a story out of them.

To use this in understandable terms, let’s look at Shawn Michaels and his cousin Matt Bentley. Bentley practically stole Shawn Michaels moveset. If you’re just judging WHAT they are doing, they are pretty much equal. However, Matt Bentley just went out and did moves. Shawn Michaels did moves to tell a story. Everything he does has a purpose. It’s not like Shawn Michaels is the most gifted athlete in wrestling. He’s certainly not the strongest, youngest or the fastest, and he doesn’t have the stamina that he had in his youth. But he knows how to tell a story. It’s like comparing my 6-month old nephew splattering finger paint on a piece of paper to Jackson Pollock. Sure, both of them are using paint and the end result looks vaguely similar, but one is clearly of better quality.

I’ve watched A LOT of wrestling over the last fifteen years or so. Over the last five, my horizons have expanded even further. There really isn’t a lot of moves that I haven’t seen. When something truly new happens, I’m impressed by it and I give it it’s due. But it doesn’t matter to me really. Jimmy Jacobs might not be the most athletic or innovative wrestler, but I’ll take his strategy and character psychology over Jack Evans Phoenix 630 Twisting Corkscrew Moonsault Legdrop Suicida any day. Please note the hyperbole.

Look at the match above. There’s nothing truly innovative or revolutionary in that match. It’s a lot of blood, a lot of brawling, and a little bit of wrestling. But everything means something and there is a story being told. That’s why it stands the test of time and continues to be entertaining.

The next time you watch a match, I challenge you to do this. Don’t think about the moves the wrestlers are doing. Think about WHY they are doing the moves they are doing. Because if there is no rhyme or logic to what they are doing, it’s just two men (or women) in tights doing cool moves to pop a crowd. Carny stuff. Purpose and feeling is what separates finger painting from art. And it’s what separates “cool wrestling” from “good wrestling”.

However, don’t think that I hate “cool moves”. I like stiff strikes, complicated submissions, crazy highflying and dangerous suplexes as much as the next smark. And yeah, if the story is average, I’ll take the moves that are more entertaining over the ones that are boring. That’s why “The Hangover” is one hundred times better than “Dude, Where’s My Car”. Same basic plot, but one is actually entertaining. However, neither movie is “The Departed”, ya know?

Don’t die from the hot dogs. If you’re gonna go, die from a fireworks malfunction.